When Your Head Gets in the Way: Understanding Performance Anxiety in the Swinging Lifestyle
Okay, I'm going to get a little personal here. I remember the first time it happened to me.
Abby and I had been in the lifestyle for a few years, and we had a playdate with a couple we'd been with a few times before. I was excited about the night and looking forward to seeing them, and I didn’t feel any real anxiety. We'd already been together, we'd seen each other naked, so I had just the usual level of nervous excitement that comes with getting together.
We met at a hotel, talked, had a few drinks, and started to play. I don't think we even used the games that night because we were already comfortable with each other.
Everything was going well. I was very aroused, and when things progressed, I had no trouble getting and maintaining an erection. At one point, when I was having intercourse with the other woman, I remember actually thinking that I wasn't overly sensitive and would probably be able to last longer than usual. Normally, when I feel myself getting close and know it's too early, I'll pull out and switch things up. But this time, I felt good.
Until, crap, suddenly, I wasn't.
I felt myself losing my erection. I pulled out, and sure enough, I was completely soft. My first thought was basically, “WTF?” My second was, “Don't let anyone notice.”
I tried to play it off as though I just wanted to switch things up and started going down on her, hoping I'd be able to relax and get back into the moment. Eventually, the night ended well enough. I don't think anyone noticed that I hadn’t cum, and if they did, nobody said anything.
On the drive home, I told Abby.
Of course, she was completely understanding, as always. But I spent much of the drive thinking about it and feeling like I'd somehow failed. And I was worried. I'd never had this problem at home. Ever. So why now? I was attracted to her, I was excited, and I certainly wasn't nervous about the couple. So what had happened?
If you're a guy in this lifestyle, you probably know where this is going. And if you haven't experienced it yet, there's a good chance you eventually will.
It's more common than you think
Erectile dysfunction is incredibly common, and it becomes more common as men get older. About 40% of men are affected at age 40, with the percentage increasing substantially with age. But getting older doesn't mean you simply have to accept ED as inevitable. Physical health, medications, hormones, alcohol, stress, anxiety, and a range of other factors can all contribute. In fact, ED can sometimes be an early warning sign of underlying cardiovascular or other health problems, so persistent difficulties are worth discussing with your doctor
And sometimes the physical and psychological sides become so intertwined that it's difficult to know where one ends and the other begins.
That's particularly true when performance anxiety enters the picture, something that can be surprisingly common in the swinging lifestyle.
Many of us are in our 40s, 50s, and beyond. We're not exactly spring chickens or porn stars. But you can also be perfectly fine at home with the partner you've been with for years, totally fine when masturbating and fantasizing, but find yourself struggling in a new situation.
That's because lifestyle-related performance anxiety can be about much more than desire.
It can be about the gap between fantasy and reality, and the enormous amount of anticipation and expectation that can build before an encounter.
You might spend weeks or months talking about a particular experience with your partner. You imagine what it will be like, imagine meeting someone new, and imagine how you're going to feel when it finally happens. You may have played the whole scenario out in your head dozens of times.
And because it's something you've thought about for so long, you can end up putting an enormous amount of pressure on yourself.
"This is finally happening."
"I don't want to screw this up."
"I want my partner to see how turned on I am."
"What if I ejaculate too quickly?"
And there's the trap.
The more you think about whether you're going to perform, the harder it can become to simply be present in the moment. It's a common concept in sports. Ever tee off at a golf event with a bunch of guys you don't know well watching you? Yeah, it's a little like that. Anxiety activates the body's stress response. Instead of being relaxed and focused on what's happening, your brain starts monitoring the situation and looking for problems.
“Am I getting an erection? Is it hard enough? Am I losing it? Did she notice? Did my partner notice? What if it happens again?”
Suddenly, instead of experiencing what's happening, you're outside yourself, watching and evaluating it. And that's about the worst possible place to be when you're trying to become or stay aroused.
The vicious cycle of "What if it happens again?"
This is where things can get especially frustrating. Maybe the first time really was just nerves. You were in a new situation, there was a lot of anticipation, and your body simply didn't cooperate the way you expected it to. But afterward, you remember it. Then, the next time you're getting ready to meet someone, that memory comes back. You may not even be consciously thinking about it, but somewhere in the back of your mind is the question: “What if it happens again?”
And now you're anxious before anything has even happened. You start paying close attention to whether your body is responding, wondering if everything feels right, and looking for any sign that you're heading toward the same outcome. The problem is that this kind of self-monitoring can actually make it harder to stay relaxed and present. If you have another difficult experience, it can feel like you've just confirmed your worst fear, giving your brain even more reason to worry the next time.
That's how a perfectly understandable one-time experience can turn into a recurring pattern. The good news is that patterns can be broken, and understanding what's happening is often the first step.
So what can you actually do?
Quite a bit.
I'm going to give you the toolkit that helped me and a few other guys I’ve heard talk about it. Some of it is medical, some is psychological, and some is just practical. You don't necessarily need to do all of it. Try what resonates and, most importantly, don't assume that one bad experience means you're destined to repeat it.
1. First, take the pressure off the outcome
This one I know is hard, but really, it’s the most important. If you go into an encounter thinking, “Tonight I need to perform”, you've already put yourself in a position where you're likely to start monitoring yourself instead of enjoying what's happening. Rather than making your erection, or your ability to maintain it, the goal of the evening, try changing the goal entirely. You're not there to prove anything, impress anyone, or demonstrate how long you can maintain an erection. You're there to enjoy the experience and see where the evening takes you.
That may sound easy, but there's a real psychological difference between trying to make something happen and allowing yourself to experience what's happening. If your erection comes and goes, that's okay. If you need a little more time, that's okay too. And if things don't unfold exactly as you imagined they would, that doesn't mean the evening was a failure. It's not a test you pass or fail. The less pressure you put on yourself to produce a particular outcome, the more room you give your body to respond naturally.
And remember, your enjoyment of the evening doesn't have to depend entirely on your own performance. Sometimes there's just as much pleasure in watching your partner having a great time, seeing her connect with someone else and enjoying the experience together. That's part of what compersion is all about.
2. Talk to your partner before you need to
As Abby and I have said countless times, communication is the bedrock of being in the swinging lifestyle. So talking about this is no exception. If you're worried about performance, talk to your partner about it before you're in the middle of an encounter. You don't need to make it a heavy or dramatic discussion. Something as simple as, "I'm really excited about this, but sometimes when I put too much pressure on myself, my body doesn't cooperate. If that happens, I don't want either of us to make a big deal about it," can be enough.
You may be surprised by how much relief comes from simply saying it out loud. Once your partner knows what's going on, you no longer have to carry that worry by yourself or wonder whether they'll misunderstand what's happening. And sometimes, a little help from your partner can completely change the dynamic. Abby actually suggested that if I was having trouble, she could step in, change things up, like going down on the other woman for a while. This is why I love her!
3. Get out of your head
This is one I've had to learn myself. When you're worried about performance, it's incredibly easy to start asking yourself, “Am I hard enough? Is everything still okay? Am I losing it?” But the moment you start conducting that internal inspection, you're no longer experiencing what's happening. You're evaluating it.
When you catch yourself doing this, bring your attention back to something physical: your breathing, the sensation of touch, your partner's voice, or simply what's happening in front of you. You don't have to stop thinking. Just stop judging your performance and let yourself enjoy it.
4. Try a simple breathing exercise
You don't need to become a meditation expert to benefit from a few minutes of intentional breathing. Before an encounter, try slowing your breathing for two or three minutes: inhale through your nose for about four seconds, pause briefly, and then exhale slowly for about six seconds. Repeat that several times and let your shoulders drop as you breathe.
This won't magically create an erection, but slowing your breathing can help you relax and take the edge off the anxiety that sometimes accompanies performance pressure. You can use the same technique if you notice yourself becoming anxious during an encounter. Slow your breathing, relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw, and remind yourself that you don't have to force anything to happen. Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply give your body a chance to catch up with your mind.
5. Watch the alcohol
This one is worth mentioning because alcohol and swinging environments can sometimes go together. A drink may make you feel more relaxed socially, but more isn't necessarily better when it comes to sexual function. Excessive alcohol can contribute to ED and make it harder to stay mentally present and responsive.
If you're already worried about performance, getting drunk isn't exactly a reliable treatment strategy.
6. Consider speaking with a therapist
If performance anxiety has become a recurring problem, there's absolutely no shame in talking with a therapist, particularly someone comfortable discussing sexuality and relationships. Cognitive behavioral therapy and other forms of counseling can help identify the thoughts and beliefs that are feeding the anxiety and replace them with healthier responses.
Sex therapy can be particularly useful because you can work directly on the patterns surrounding sexual performance, expectations, communication, and intimacy. The American Urological Association specifically recommends considering referral to a mental-health professional for men with ED, particularly when performance anxiety is a factor.
7. Consider medication
For some men, one of the most useful tools for dealing with performance anxiety is medication.
Viagra and Cialis are commonly prescribed treatments for erectile dysfunction. Viagra (sildenafil) and Cialis (tadalafil) are PDE5 inhibitors that work by increasing blood flow to the penis when you're sexually stimulated, making it easier to get and maintain an erection. Sildenafil generally starts working within 30 to 60 minutes, with effects lasting around four hours. Tadalafil can last much longer, with effects lasting up to approximately 36 hours. Some guys also find that they respond better to one than the other, so it's worth talking to your doctor about which medication, dose, and timing might be right for you.
But there's another benefit that doesn't show up on the label: sometimes, simply knowing you have it can take the pressure off. The psychological benefit that can come with knowing you have a backup plan.
When you've had an episode of ED, part of your brain can be waiting for it to happen again. Having medication available, when prescribed by your doctor, can help interrupt that cycle. You may not even end up needing it, but knowing you have an option can take away some of the "What if?" Instead of thinking, "I really hope this doesn't happen again," you can think, "If I have trouble, I have a solution." That can make it much easier to relax and stay present.
Of course, these medications aren't appropriate for everyone and can interact dangerously with certain substances, particularly nitrates and recreational nitrites (poppers). Talk to your doctor about whether they're safe for you, and absolutely avoid unregulated "male enhancement" products you see advertised on porn sites.
A final word
Looking back, I wish I had known more about this issue and what to do in the moment. Like most guys, I thought it would never happen to me.
What I eventually learned is that performance anxiety feeds on the meaning we attach to these moments. If you decide that one experience means something is wrong with you, your brain will carry that fear into the next one. But if you can accept that sometimes your body doesn't cooperate and that it doesn't say anything about your attraction, your masculinity, or how much you're enjoying yourself, you take away a lot of the anxiety's power.
So if this has happened to you, you're not alone, and you're certainly not broken. Talk to your partner, talk to your doctor if you need to, and give yourself some grace. The goal isn't to prove that you can perform every time. It's to stop worrying so much about whether you will and enjoy the moment.
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