How to talk to your partner about swinging or having a threesome is probably the number one question people that are curious about the lifestyle, or some form of consensual non-monogamy, ask. Perhaps it’s a fantasy that you’ve thought about for a long time or something that’s changed in your life that has you reevaluating society's deeply entrenched notions of monogamy – either way, let me reassure you that there’s nothing wrong with either. Exploring new dimensions of your sexual and emotional life with your partner can be one of the most exhilarating journeys you'll ever take. But let's not sugarcoat it; venturing into the swinging lifestyle is a big step that requires a ton of introspection and open, honest communication with your partner.
Swinging as a couple is a mutual journey, one that can either strengthen your bond or—when not approached correctly—cause unnecessary complications. That's why communication is key. Before you start imagining yourself in a lavish, adults-only resort or planning a steamy hotel meet-up, you and your partner need to sit down and have a candid conversation about what this would mean for both of you. And let’s dispel one myth right off the bat – the common perception that it’s always the male in the heterosexual relationship that is curious about swinging. It’s simply not true. Abby and I have met countless couples who have said, it’s the female who first raised the idea.
So, if you're wondering how to bring up the subject, what to say, and how to handle your partner's reactions, from someone who’s done it, read on. This article is your roadmap to initiating that pivotal conversation.
The Importance of Clear Communication
Let's be real for a moment: Swinging isn't like deciding where to go for dinner or what movie to watch—there's way more at stake. We're talking about venturing into new emotional and sexual landscapes in your relationship, and that's why both you and your partner must be in sync.
Being transparent and honest with your partner isn't just advisable; it's a requirement. You're considering inviting other people into the most intimate parts of your life, which means both of you must be aware and comfortable with every step you take. This isn't a solo adventure (although we have seen that, too); it's a mutual journey that requires informed consent from all parties involved.
A Big No-Go: Surprising Your Partner
Now, let me make one thing abundantly clear: Surprising your partner by spontaneously introducing someone else into the bedroom is an absolute no-go. Or, blindfolding them on date night so that you can take them to a swingers club, is also a very bad idea. We’ve heard of both these things happening and neither ended well. The simple fact is it could potentially pressure your partner into doing something they're not comfortable with, which is not only unethical but could also inflict irreversible damage to your relationship. The swinging lifestyle is built on mutual respect and clear communication, so surprises of this nature have no place here.
The Risks of Poor Communication
You might think some topics are better left unaddressed, but let me tell you, in the world of swinging and ethical non-monogamy, silence is your enemy. Lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings, jealousy, and a broken trust that might take years to rebuild—if it even can be. Don't assume you know your partner's boundaries; make sure you hear them.
So, yeah, being able to talk openly with your partner isn't just important—it's imperative. If you're considering swinging, remember that you're in this as a team, and teams only function when every member is aware of the rules and game plan.
Understanding Your Motivation to Swing
Alright, you've decided to take the plunge and bring up the topic. I can't stress enough how vital preparation is for what's essentially a deep dive into your emotional and sexual desires.
Before you even think about approaching your partner, you need to sort out your thoughts. What are you hoping to achieve in the swinging lifestyle? If you're considering swinging because you're unhappy with your current sexual relationship, it may be more constructive to explore couples therapy instead of inviting additional partners into your intimate life. Using swinging as a means to sidestep issues in your relationship is unlikely to produce the results you're hoping for.
A more encouraging reason to consider swinging is if you already share a fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner and believe that adding some variety could enhance the experience for both of you. A strong motive is wanting your partner to enjoy the same level of excitement and satisfaction that you're seeking for yourself. Are there lines you won't cross? Get these clear in your mind first, as it'll make explaining them to your partner far easier.
Choose the Right Time and Place
This isn't a conversation to rush. Choose a moment when both of you can focus, free from distractions. Create a safe space where you both feel comfortable baring your souls, so to speak.
One common approach to simply seed the idea is to start by talking about your fantasies. While this could be done while in the throws of love-making, it’s probably best not to. People may say something they don’t literally mean so it’s hard to gauge sincerity. You can, however, bring it up in the warm-up period. For Abby and I that was while watching porn together. I put on a video featuring two couples and casually asked her if she liked it and if she ever fantasized about having a threesome or foursome. She responded positively, and this led to a conversation (and many more) about fantasies and foursome play.
Do Your Research
Knowledge is power. Brush up on the terms, scenarios, and options within the swinging lifestyle. It'll not only make you feel more confident but also help you better articulate what you're proposing. Check out our Definitive Glossary on our blog to learn about the terms used in the community.
Multiple Conversations Will Be Necessary
Let's get one thing clear: this won’t be a one-and-done conversation. It shouldn’t be either. Swinging is a big topic that can invoke strong emotions. Don't be surprised if the first talk doesn't go smoothly. It could take multiple uncomfortable conversations to fully communicate what you're thinking and feeling. Patience is crucial here.
Show Ongoing Love and Respect
If your partner reacts poorly the first time, don't retaliate with anger or frustration. Their feelings are just as valid as yours, and it's important to continue showing love and respect. Reaffirm your commitment to the relationship and your mutual happiness, as this is a journey you're considering embarking upon together.
By adequately preparing for the conversation, you set the stage for a more open, honest, and, hopefully, less nerve-wracking discussion with your partner. An initial concern that your partner may have – we’ve heard it time and time again – is the feeling of inadequacy. “Am I not enough for you?” is a common question. So, never, under any circumstances, make your partner feel like your relationship is incomplete. If it is, swinging won’t help it.
Having the Conversation: Tips, Techniques, and Sample Starters
So, you've prepared yourself mentally and emotionally. Now it's time to sit down and have the talk. Conversations about swinging can be challenging to navigate, but with the right approach, you'll not only gain a deeper understanding of each other's desires but also reinforce the trust and communication that are vital in any relationship.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Begin gently with a soft opening. You might say something like, "You know, we've been together for a while, and I've been thinking about ways to keep our relationship fresh and exciting. How do you feel about that?" Open-ended questions can help in this regard. Examples include:
"How would you feel about trying new experiences together?"
"What are your thoughts on adding more variety to our relationship?"
"Are there any fantasies or desires you've wanted to explore but haven't mentioned?"
Being Specific and Practicing Active Listening
Be clear about your desires, but make it a conversation, not a mandate. Use 'I' statements to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. For example, "I've been curious about swinging as a way to explore new facets of our sexuality, but I'd love to know how you feel about it."
Listening is just as important as speaking. Make it a two-way dialogue. You're not just sharing your desires; you're also giving space for your partner's feelings, concerns, and questions. Pay close attention and ask clarifying questions if you need to, like "Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?" or "How would you see this playing out for us?"
Managing Emotions and Paving the Way for Future Talks
Be prepared for a spectrum of reactions. Your partner might react with enthusiasm, caution, or even disapproval. The key is to respond with understanding and empathy. Statements like, "I appreciate your honesty, and I'm here to discuss any feelings or concerns you have," can go a long way.
And remember, swinging is a significant step, and one conversation may not cover all the ground you need to. It's vital to let your partner know that this is an ongoing dialogue. Reiterate your commitment to understanding each other's feelings and boundaries, perhaps saying something like, "Regardless of what we decide, I'm glad we're having this open conversation. Can we revisit this topic as we continue to think about it?"
Conversations like these are never easy, but they're less daunting when approached with mutual respect and openness. Whether or not you and your partner decide to step into the world of swinging, the honest discussion will undoubtedly enrich your relationship.
Navigating Potential Reactions
Having the conversation about swinging is one thing; handling your partner's reactions is another. It's essential to be prepared for a range of responses. Your partner might be excited, hesitant, or entirely opposed. Below are some common scenarios you might encounter and strategies for dealing with them thoughtfully and lovingly.
😀 Positive Reactions: What To Do Next
Scenario: Your partner is excited and immediately starts throwing out ideas and questions, like, "Wow, I've been thinking about this too! What should we try first? How do we find people?"
Example Response: This is an ideal reaction, but it's essential to maintain the conversation's pace. Take your time with things. You might say, "I'm thrilled you're excited about this. Let's take some time to research together and set our boundaries before diving in."
🫤 Hesitant or Mixed Reactions: Provide Reassurance and More Information
Scenario: Your partner looks unsure or voices some apprehensions: "I'm not totally against the idea, but what if this harms our relationship?"
Example Response: Reassurance is key here. You might respond with, "I completely understand your concerns. The reason I brought this up is that I believe our relationship is strong enough to explore this together. But we can take it slow, do a lot of research, and have more discussions to make sure we're both comfortable before taking any steps."
🙁 Negative Reactions: How to Handle a "No" or Strong Emotional Responses
Scenario: Your partner reacts negatively, either shutting down the conversation immediately or showing signs of strong emotional distress, like anger or tears.
Example Response: It's critical to approach negative reactions with sensitivity and respect. Calmly say something like, "I'm sorry to see that this has upset you. My intention was not to cause any harm. Let's put this topic aside for now. I love you and respect your feelings above all else, and that won't change."
Remember, the aim is to explore the possibility of swinging together, as a united front. Your partner's feelings are just as important as yours, and their comfort and well-being should be your priority at all stages of this exploration.
Great, Your Partner Agreed, Now What?
You and your partner have crossed a significant threshold by agreeing to explore the swinging lifestyle together. While a mutual understanding is crucial, it's merely the first step. The next stage involves more intricate planning that encompasses setting boundaries, understanding each party's comfort level, and deciding your next steps, all while keeping open lines of communication.
Before diving in, it's essential to set boundaries around the types of activities both of you are comfortable with, such as soft swapping, full swapping, same-room activities, or different rooms. If you're hesitant about plunging right in, consider easing into the lifestyle by going on a 'date,' which entails a dinner or a social outing with another like-minded couple. This is a rule Abby and I stick to. We don’t ‘play’ on the first date. We find it offers a low-pressure environment to assess sexual chemistry and compatibility, helping us gauge whether it’s a couple we’re interested in getting to know.
Final Thoughts on Talking to Your Partner About Swinging
It's essential to acknowledge that the swinging lifestyle isn't for everyone—and that's okay. The willingness to explore this terrain requires vulnerability, communication, and above all, mutual consent. Navigating the swinging lifestyle is a journey that requires careful planning, thoughtful communication, and a mutual understanding between you and your partner.
Remember, this is a journey you're undertaking together. It may have its ups and downs, but when approached with open hearts, respect, and genuine curiosity, it holds the promise of new, exhilarating experiences and an even deeper connection with your partner.