We Asked a Psychologist What Makes Swinging Work. Here’s What She Said.

I’ve always been fascinated by how couples make consensual non-monogamy work—particularly in the swinging world. Maybe it’s the psychologist-wannabe in me (I minored in psych in university and love to analyze my friends' relationships with their partners). But seriously, I’ve always wondered: How do people manage the emotional gymnastics of it all: jealousy, trust, communication, logistics?? It’s one thing to hear spicy stories, but I wanted to dig into the psychology behind it.

Swinger sitting with Therapist

So I sat down with Dr. Eliana Freeman, a clinical psychologist with over a decade of experience working with couples navigating non-traditional relationship models. Dr. Freeman earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology from the University of Michigan and now runs a thriving private practice, where she specializes in helping couples explore non-monogamy, including open relationships, swinging, and polyamorous dynamics.

Our conversation was open, thoughtful, and at times, eye-opening. Here's what she shared about breaking relationship norms and embracing different ways of loving.

Abby: You hear the term non-monogamy a lot more these days, but a lot of people still don’t get what it really means. Can you explain what it includes—and how swinging fits into the picture?

Dr. Freeman: Non-monogamy covers any kind of relationship where people have more than one romantic or sexual partner, with everyone's knowledge and consent. This can include open relationships, polyamory, and, of course, swinging. Swinging usually involves couples who are emotionally committed to each other but also enjoy sexual experiences with others, often together. It’s more focused on shared experiences and tends to keep the emotional bond within the primary couple.

Abby: We all know communication is important in any relationship, but are there specific ways swinging couples communicate that help things run smoothly?

Dr. Freeman: Absolutely. It goes beyond just talking—it’s about being open and honest about what you want, what you’re not okay with, and how you’re feeling. It’s also about being able to talk through uncomfortable emotions like jealousy or fear without blaming or shutting down. Successful couples often create regular check-ins where they update each other on how they’re feeling and whether anything needs to shift.

Abby: Speaking of jealousy—such a tricky emotion. How do couples deal with it when it comes up?

Dr. Freeman: Jealousy usually doesn’t pop up out of nowhere. It tends to grow out of deeper emotional roots—things like fear of being replaced, not feeling good enough, or worrying that your partner’s attention might start drifting away from you. These are very human fears, and they can sneak up even when you know your relationship is strong.

The key isn’t to ignore jealousy or pretend it doesn’t exist. That usually just pushes it underground where it can fester and show up in unexpected (and unhelpful) ways. Instead, successful couples face it together. They treat jealousy not as a red flag that something’s broken, but as a signal—like a flashing light that says, “Hey, something needs attention here.”

When you see jealousy as information instead of a threat, it becomes something you can work with, not something you have to run from. It’s a chance to dig a little deeper, figure out what’s really going on emotionally, and communicate from a place of honesty instead of fear.

That’s where regular check-ins come in. They give couples a built-in way to pause, tune into each other, and talk about what’s coming up emotionally—before it turns into resentment or conflict. These conversations create space to say things like, “I felt a little insecure the other night—can we talk about that?” or “I think I might need to shift this boundary a bit.”

The beauty of this approach is that it makes space for growth. Jealousy stops being a dead-end emotion and becomes an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. Over time, couples who engage with their jealousy instead of avoiding it often find they feel closer, more secure, and more confident in their bond. Because when you can face the tough stuff together, everything else starts to feel more solid too.

Abby: Early on in our exploration of swinging, I heard the word compersion—that feeling of joy when your partner is with someone else—and it was like a penny dropped. But that’s not exactly how we, as a society, were raised to think about love. Can you explain how that shift happens?

Dr. Freeman: Compersion is a great word! It comes up in my practice a lot. But yes, it can feel counterintuitive at first, especially if you’re used to viewing love through a possessive lens. Over time, though, some people find real happiness in seeing their partner happy—even if that joy comes from someone else. Getting there usually means letting go of the idea that love and affection are limited resources. When couples make that shift, it can bring them closer and create a deeper, more open kind of connection.

Abby: A lot of people still confuse swinging with cheating. Why do you think that is, and how are they different?

Dr. Freeman: Cheating is about secrets, lies, and broken trust. At its core, it’s an act of betrayal—someone making decisions behind their partner’s back that violate the agreements and expectations of the relationship. It’s not just about the physical act; it’s about the deception. Cheating often leaves one partner blindsided, hurt, and questioning the foundation of the relationship. It creates emotional distance, erodes trust, and usually introduces a whole layer of shame, confusion, and resentment.

Swinging flips that script entirely. Instead of sneaking around, swinging is based on open, honest conversations. Everyone involved is on the same page—there’s no hiding, no manipulation, no betrayal. Couples talk through their boundaries, their comfort levels, and their expectations before anything happens. That clarity and mutual agreement are what set it apart.

In swinging, consent isn’t just a box to check—it’s the foundation. It’s about intentionally designing a relationship that works for both people, not silently breaking the rules of one that wasn’t working to begin with. Trust is built and reinforced through transparency and communication, not shattered by secrets.

So while from the outside it might look similar to cheating—especially to someone steeped in a monogamy-only worldview—the inner experience couldn’t be more different. One is about hiding. The other is about sharing. One damages connection. The other can actually deepen it.

That’s the heart of the difference: swinging is a conscious, consensual choice to explore together, not a betrayal done in the dark.

Abby: What impact do those kinds of misunderstandings, like confusing swinging with cheating, have on people who are actually living non-monogamous lives?

Dr. Freeman: They can really mess with how people see themselves and their relationships. Society often tells us that non-monogamy is wrong or doomed to fail, which can lead to feelings of shame or doubt. But research shows that people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships often score higher in things like communication, trust, and emotional maturity than those in traditional setups.

Personally, I’m hopeful that as CNM, swinging, polyamory—whatever form it takes—become more visible and move out of the shadows, we’ll start to see a cultural shift. The more we normalize different ways of loving and connecting, the less judgment people will face, and the easier it will be for couples to live authentically without fear of being misunderstood.

Abby: How do people handle that when stepping into a non-traditional lifestyle, like swinging?

Dr. Freeman: That’s a big one. Many people grow up with the belief that monogamy is the only “real” or legitimate way to do relationships. It’s baked into our culture, our media, even the advice we get from well-meaning friends and family. Letting go of that idea—or even just questioning it—can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s also incredibly freeing. It takes a good amount of mental flexibility to say, “Okay, maybe there’s more than one way to love, and maybe the traditional model isn’t the only path to happiness.”

The people who thrive in non-monogamous spaces are usually the ones who stay curious and open-minded. They’re willing to challenge old assumptions, ask hard questions, and explore what really aligns with their values—not just what they were taught to believe. And importantly, they do all that without beating themselves up for where they came from or what they used to believe. It’s not about having it all figured out right away; it’s about being willing to grow into something that fits better.

Abby: So how does swinging actually help couples grow—not just as a couple, but individually too?

Dr. Freeman: It gives couples a chance to really explore themselves and each other. Trying new experiences together can bring a fresh spark and push both people to open up in ways they haven’t before. It can deepen trust and help couples face fears or insecurities head-on. And because everything requires clear communication, many couples come out stronger and more connected than they were before.

Abby: Swinging sounds rewarding, but I’m sure it has its challenges. What do couples need to watch out for?

Dr. Freeman: Definitely. Swinging can bring up a lot of emotions that people didn’t expect. If you don’t have strong communication and emotional awareness, small misunderstandings can turn into major conflicts. Unspoken jealousy or crossed boundaries can really shake the foundation. That’s why it’s so important to stay in tune with each other and talk often. Being prepared and honest helps couples avoid the common pitfalls and stay close, even when challenges come up.

Another challenge I see often in my practice is around privacy. Many couples want to explore non-monogamy while keeping that part of their lives separate from kids, friends, or extended family—but that’s not always easy. Kids are observant, and friends or relatives might ask intrusive questions or make assumptions. There’s also the fear of being judged harshly, especially if people in your life hold more traditional views on relationships. So helping couples navigate the “do we tell, and if so, how much?” conversation is a big part of the process. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but it’s crucial that both partners are aligned on how private—or open—they want to be, and what their comfort levels are around disclosure.

Abby: Last question—how can couples figure out if swinging or any kind of non-monogamy is right for them?

Dr. Freeman: It often starts with a conversation—sometimes in the form of intimate pillow talk, when couples are feeling open and connected. That’s when fantasies tend to surface. One partner might casually float the idea of being with someone else, or watching their partner with another person. In many cases, it stays there—just a fantasy. But for some couples, especially when one partner feels a deeper curiosity about consensual non-monogamy, that conversation eventually moves out of the bedroom and into more intentional territory.

That’s where the real work begins. You start asking deeper questions: Why are we interested in this? What are we hoping to explore or experience? What fears do we have? Where are our boundaries? These aren’t the kinds of conversations you want to have in the heat of the moment—they’re best saved for when you’re grounded and really listening to each other.

Non-monogamy isn’t a quick fix, and it’s not just about adding novelty to your sex life. It’s a relationship model that takes self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to grow—individually and as a couple. But when both partners are aligned and open to doing that emotional work, it can be incredibly rewarding and even bring a new level of intimacy to the relationship.

Conclusion

Exploring non-monogamy—especially swinging—can be a bold move that challenges traditional ideas about relationships. But as Dr. Freeman emphasized, when it’s approached with honesty, care, and clear communication, it can foster deeper intimacy and stronger emotional bonds. Open conversations around boundaries, desires, and emotional needs are essential.

If you're considering therapy, it may be important to seek out a CNM-friendly or CNM-affirmative therapist. A CNM-friendly therapist is open-minded and nonjudgmental about swinging and other non-traditional relationship styles, but may not have specific training or lived experience. A CNM-affirmative therapist, on the other hand, not only supports your lifestyle choices but also has meaningful knowledge or experience in this area. They understand how stigma and misunderstanding can affect individuals and couples in the swinging community—and they work to create a safe, validating space without imposing mononormative expectations.

A simple online search in your area is a good place to start, using terms like “CNM,” “sex-positive,” or “kink-aware.” And don’t hesitate to ask therapists directly in an introductory message about their experience with swinging or consensual non-monogamy—it’s the best way to ensure a good fit.