11 Things Swingers Hate (Even If They Don’t Say It)

If you’ve been in the lifestyle long enough, you know swinging is mostly fun, sexy, social, and full of adventure… but it’s not perfect. There are certain things every swinger—new, experienced, or returning after a break—runs into that annoys the crap out of them.

Jake and I have definitely had our “oh come on…” moments, and we know we’re not alone. Some things just universally irritate people in the lifestyle.

Think of this as your insider guide to the little (and not-so-little) annoyances that go against basic swinging etiquette and make swingers everywhere cringe. Whether you're nodding along in recognition or taking notes so that you don’t inadvertently do one of them, here are the top things swingers really can’t stand.

1. The Couple That Never Commits (or Always Cancels)

Nothing wears people down faster than a couple who talks like they want to meet but never actually follows through. You make plans, they seem excited, and then somehow there’s always a reason it doesn’t happen. It’s not rude, it’s not dramatic, it just never, ever goes anywhere.

You know the type. Great in chat, flirty enough to keep things going, always saying they love your vibe and want to meet “soon.” Then the date comes up, you suggest something real, and suddenly they vanish for a week. A few weeks later they pop back up with, “Hey you two! 😉” and the cycle starts again.

Or it’s the chronic last-minute cancellations. Once? Normal. Twice? Understandable. But when it keeps happening, it starts to feel like something else is going on. And for a lot of people, this is a quiet swinger red flag. Maybe one partner isn’t comfortable, maybe you’re low on their priority list, or maybe they just can’t manage adult playdates. Whatever the reason, the pattern gets old fast.

Most swingers hate this because it’s wasted time, and our time as busy adults with kids, jobs, and commitments is precious. You’re left wondering whether you’re flirting, networking, or just entertaining someone on slow nights. It creates an excitement rollercoaster where you can’t tell what’s ever going to happen.

Moving slowly is totally fine… just say so. A simple “We love chatting but aren’t meeting right now” or “Let’s pause until we’re actually ready” solves everything. People just want clear expectations.

2. People Who Don’t Read Profiles 

Profiles exist for a reason, though you wouldn’t know it based on some of the messages people send. And honestly, this is probably Jake’s biggest pet peeve.* Everyone has gotten questions that their profile already answered. Someone asks if you’re full swap when your profile clearly says you’re not. Or they ask if you host, even though you wrote “never.” Sometimes you even get messages from people in a far away state asking if you’re free tonight.

When someone doesn’t bother reading your profile, it shows they didn’t put in any effort, and it’s honestly one of the common swinger mistakes everyone encounters. And effort is sexy. Reading a profile builds more trust than any compliment because it shows you’re actually paying attention.

*His second pet peeve is people who spell a lot as one word, (alot). 😆

3. Couples With Crappy Profiles

Every swinger has clicked on a profile that looks like it was thrown together in thirty seconds. One blurry selfie. A cropped group photo. No face pics. Just a few answers filled out in the questionnaire like someone was racing to finish before their Uber arrived.

It makes you wonder whether they’re serious or just browsing for entertainment. When a profile has almost nothing on it, it feels one-sided—you’re offering real details, real photos, and real preferences, and they’re giving you… a picture of them holding a beer and three words.

Then you’re forced to ask basic questions their profile should’ve answered. It wastes time and makes it hard to know whether they even want to meet.

You don’t need studio lighting or perfect pictures. You just need to show you care enough to try. A decent profile is the bare minimum in a space built on trust, comfort, and attraction.

4. Ghosting After a Playdate

Ghosting is everywhere, but in the lifestyle it hits differently. A playdate isn’t a low-stakes coffee meet up. It takes effort, trust, planning, nerves, excitement, everyone shows up with a natural level of anxiety. So when you spend the evening together, have a good time, say all the right things… and then hear nothing? Yeah, it stings.

After a playdate, most people just want a quick human acknowledgment. Not a relationship, not a second date, not a long conversation, just a “Thanks again, we had fun!” It closes the loop.

Ghosting sends a blunt message: “We don’t care enough to be kind and decent.”

5. Couples Who Aren’t on the Same Page

This is one I’m always tuned into. I’ve got a good spidey sense for it.

Everyone has met a couple where one partner is excited and engaged, and the other looks like they’d rather be anywhere else. It’s uncomfortable and instantly obvious when a couple hasn’t talked things through. The energy is uneven, the meetup feels a bit tense (not just the usual nervousness), and instead of enjoying yourself, you find yourself decoding their dynamic.

Nobody likes that mismatch. It kills the vibe, creates awkward pauses, and sometimes leads to one partner shutting down mid-interaction. It also makes things feel unstable—nobody wants to stumble into someone else’s unresolved situation.

The simplest rule is still the most important: talk to each other and align before you bring anyone else in. Everything goes smoother when expectations are clear, and the couple is on the same page.

6. Couples Who Only Message at 10:30 PM

We’ve all gotten the late-night “Hey you two up? 😏” message. It usually comes after their original plan fell through or they’re already halfway into their night.

Swingers aren’t against spontaneity, but nobody likes being a backup plan. There’s a big difference between being spontaneous and being sloppy.

7. People Who Treat Swinging Like a Competitive Sport

Most swingers are here for connection, chemistry, and a good time. The quick turnoff is the couple who acts like the lifestyle has a scoreboard. You can feel it immediately in that they treat every meet-up like an audition, casually drop their “numbers,” or brag about past partners as if anyone is keeping score.

It sucks the fun right out of the room. Instead of relaxing, you feel like you’re being graded. 

Confidence feels easy. Scorekeeping feels desperate. Most swingers see the “look how many people we’ve been with” mindset as a red flag, not a flex.

8. People Who Don’t Put In the Basic Effort

Nobody expects perfection. You don’t need to look like you walked out of a photoshoot. But there is a baseline level of effort people notice, and it’s obvious when someone doesn’t meet it.

We’re not talking about really bad hygiene—thankfully we’ve never run into that. We mean the small things that signal someone didn’t bother. Untrimmed nails. Hair that didn’t meet a brush today. Old shoes (guys, women really notice this). Clothes that feel more “grabbed off the chair” than “chosen for a fun night.” None of these are dealbreakers alone, but together they give off “bare minimum” energy.

It’s a lifestyle centered on attraction, comfort, and connection, those little choices matter. They show respect and interest.

You don’t need to look like Ken and Barbie, just intentional and put-together. Clean, presentable, and making an effort goes farther than people realize.

9. The “We Don’t Play Separately… Except Tonight” Couples

Some couples shift their boundaries when it’s convenient, and it’s always a red flag. One partner will message privately with things like, “My wife’s tired but I’m still up,” or “Don’t tell her I messaged you.”

Not cool. Sneaky behavior goes against everything the lifestyle is supposed to be about.

10. People Who Rush Things

Trust and comfort take time in the lifestyle, and most people understand that. But some couples act like they should skip every normal step. They want to full swap on the first meet, push for personal info right away, or ask for face pics before they’ve even said hello. And if you suggest something simple—like grabbing a coffee first—they act like you’re playing games or not “serious,” as if taking things slow somehow makes you less of a real swinger.

Once, Jake and I connected with a couple we were genuinely attracted to, but right away they asked if we were DTF. When we explained we don’t need endless chit-chat but do want at least one meet up before jumping into bed, they immediately declined. Zero interest unless things moved at their pace.

Most swingers hate that pressure. Connections work best when they build naturally and when trust grows and everyone stays aligned. Forced intimacy is never sexy. It’s just uncomfortable.

11. People Who Make Everything About Them

This one isn’t limited to the lifestyle, you see it everywhere. We all have friends or family who are so self-involved that every conversation becomes a one-way street. With family, you tolerate it. With vanilla friends, you quietly distance yourself when every hangout leaves you drained.

And honestly, the couples we enjoy sexually are the couples we enjoy as people. We’re genuinely interested in their lives, their work, their stories, and how their kids are doing. That mutual curiosity is what makes everything feel comfortable, natural, and fun.

The couples who make everything about themselves are exhausting.

They dominate every conversation, talking only about their rules and experiences, never asking a single thing about you. Even when you try to steer the discussion toward shared interests, it snaps right back to them. The whole interaction becomes centered around their world, their comfort, their narrative, and their inside jokes.

Interest, attention, and excitement only flow when both sides give, not just take. People want to feel seen, heard, and included. And when a couple can’t make room for anyone but themselves, most swingers check out long before things get spicy.

Final Thoughts on Things Swinger Hate

At the end of the day, most swingers want the same thing: good energy, clear communication, and people who show up with the same excitement they expect from others. The lifestyle works best when everyone treats each other with honesty, curiosity, and respect. Avoiding these common pitfalls doesn’t just make things smoother, it makes everything more fun.

Swinging should feel easy, connected, and enjoyable. If you bring kindness, effort, and self-awareness into every interaction, you’ll always be a couple people look forward to meeting.