Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Swinging: What’s the Difference?

Choosing between polyamory, open relationships, and swinging is like picking ice cream—no wrong answer, just what tastes right to you.

If you’re new to consensual non-monogamy, the terminology can feel like a maze. Polyamory, open relationships, swinging… aren’t they all just ways of saying “not monogamous”? Well, yes and no. These terms overlap, but each has its own flavor, community, and set of expectations.

The good news? For people who know what they’re looking for, there’s actually very little ambiguity. Once you understand the basics, the differences become obvious and it’s easy to see where you fit—or don’t. For example, Abby and I have never considered polyamory, nor—at least at the stage we’re in now—are we interested in an open relationship. Swinging is the lane that makes sense for us, and the clarity helps us connect with others who feel the same.

Sex columnist Dan Savage even coined the term “monogamish” to describe couples who are mostly monogamous but occasionally allow for outside play—a reminder that not everyone fits neatly into a single category.

Understanding the differences can help you figure out what feels right for you—and also avoid awkward mix-ups when you’re talking to potential partners. (Trust us, a swinger who’s looking for weekend play doesn’t want to accidentally match with someone searching for two long-term boyfriends.)

Let’s break it down.

What is Polyamory?

Polyamory literally means “many loves.” People who identify as polyamorous are open to having multiple loving, romantic relationships at the same time—with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

It’s important to note that polyamory is not the same as polygamy. Polygamy refers to being legally married to more than one spouse, usually within a religious or cultural framework. Unlike polyamory, which isn’t about legal marriage at all, polygamy is not legally recognized anywhere in the United States. Even in Utah—often associated with plural marriage—it was only decriminalized in 2020, shifting from a felony to a low-level offense, but it’s still not legal. (So don’t expect to walk into city hall and register three spouses anytime soon.)

Polyamory isn’t about sneaking around or having secret side flings. It’s about building deep, intentional relationships that exist alongside one another. For some, that means a “primary partner” plus other long-term partners. For others, there’s no hierarchy—everyone is considered equally important.

Pop culture has even started highlighting these dynamics. The recent TLC show Polyfamily follows two couples in a polyamorous relationship who live together and raise their children as one big family—showing how love and family life can look very different from the traditional mold.

👉 Example: Alex is married to Jordan, but also has a girlfriend named Sam. Jordan knows about Sam and may even spend time with her, but the relationships between Alex and Jordan, and Alex and Sam, are independent and equally valid.

🔑 Key trait: Multiple loving relationships, not just hookups.

🎯 Who it appeals to: People who crave emotional connection with more than one partner and don’t believe that love has to be limited to one person at a time.

What is an Open Relationship?

An open relationship typically starts with a committed couple who want the freedom to explore sexually or romantically outside their main partnership. Unlike polyamory, the focus is usually on exploration rather than building multiple long-term relationships.

There’s no one “right” way to do it. Some open couples keep things very casual—think flirty adventures on vacation or occasional dating app meetups. Others are comfortable with their partner having a “secondary” relationship as long as their main partnership stays the priority.

Among all forms of consensual non-monogamy, open relationships probably attract the most scrutiny. People often raise eyebrows and assume it’s just a loophole for cheating. But in reality, the opposite is true—open relationships only work when there’s transparency and trust. Cheating happens in secret; open relationships happen with consent.

For some couples, openness is also a practical solution that helps them stay connected. Imagine a couple who deeply love each other, but one partner has a lower sex drive or isn’t interested in intimacy. An open relationship allows the other partner to satisfy those needs while keeping the emotional bond of the relationship intact.

Pop culture has also shined a spotlight here. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith have famously hinted that their marriage includes an open element, sparking endless debate (and a lot of judgment).

👉 Example: Ann and Steve, high school sweethearts, have been together for 20 years. They allow each other to date casually but agree not to spend the night out or introduce dates to family. Their relationship stays the central focus, while still giving them the freedom to explore.

🔑 Key trait: A central partnership that allows outside connections, with boundaries set by the couple.

🎯 Who it appeals to: Couples who want the stability of a primary relationship but also crave variety, adventure, or the chance to connect with others.

What is Swinging?

Swinging is often described as recreational non-monogamy. It’s usually centered on couples who explore sex with other people—often together—without seeking additional romantic relationships. Unlike polyamory, which tends to focus on building multiple loving bonds, swinging is more about play, pleasure, and variety.

This is the space Abby and I play in (no pun intended). For us, swinging isn’t about finding new partners to love—it’s about shared adventure, spicing things up, and keeping our connection exciting even after many years together. It keeps us curious, laughing, and fully present with each other.

Swinging can look like:

• Couple swapping at private parties

• Group play at clubs or resorts

• Threesomes, foursomes or moresomes with friends

Or simply dipping in and out of the lifestyle when the mood strikes

For many, the emphasis is on fun, shared experiences, and sexual variety rather than long-term emotional bonds. It’s about exploring together, not creating separate lives.

Culturally, swinging has been around for decades—think the “key parties” of the 1970s—but it’s evolved into something much broader and more accepted today. Modern swingers are just as likely to meet at resorts, online communities, or lifestyle events as they are behind closed doors. It’s even made its way into pop culture: the 2015 comedy The Overnight explores a swinging-themed party in a humorous, approachable way, showing how these experiences can be both playful and awkward.

👉 Example: Chris and Jamie go to a lifestyle club once a month. Sometimes they swap partners, sometimes they play in the same room, sometimes they just flirt and watch. For them, it’s about shared adventure and sexual excitement.

🔑 Key trait: Sexual exploration, usually with less emphasis on love or romance.

🎯 Who it appeals to: Couples who want to spice things up, connect with others in playful ways, and explore fantasies together.

Finding Your Lane

None is “better” or more valid than the others—it’s about finding the relationship style that brings you joy, connection, and fulfillment. There’s no quiz that hands out a label at the end. It comes down to what you and your partner(s) actually want. Broadly speaking:

Polyamory: multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Perfect if you crave deep connections with more than one person.

Open Relationships: flexibility within a primary partnership. Great for couples who want a solid core relationship but also some freedom on the side.

Swinging: shared sexual exploration as a couple. Ideal for partners who want fun, variety, and playful adventures together.

And if you’re not sure? That’s okay. Many people experiment, learn, and evolve over time. The key isn’t the label—it’s honesty, communication, and respecting boundaries. Find what brings you joy, connection, and fulfillment.

So whether you’re falling in love with more than one person, swiping for casual fun, or swapping at a sexy party, you’re not alone—and you’re definitely not doing it wrong.